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January 3rd, 2007

Handlebar Moustache. n. def: A moustache with particularly lengthy, often graspable, extremities

Posted by natdavauer in Uncategorized

Thank God I’m already married because the only people who love a good moustache are much older ladies and men.

MustaccioA good moustache is like like walking around with a red satin cape. Most people don’t understand why you would do it, but at the same time they just can’t help but admire the quality of such a thing. It’s almost difficult to carry on a conversation. A few words into my answer to “What have you been up to?” I notice people have zoned out and are lost in the stash.

What started out as a vacation from the guy in the mirror became sort of an adventure. There are so many associations to be made with wearing a moustache, people just have to voice their opinion. You must look like someone. A cowboy, a villain hatching an evil plan or, my favorite, a guy riding a bicycle with one giant wheel and one tiny wheel.

As I said earlier it really appeals to a couple of specific groups though. I think girls under the age of 65 have no desire to have a closer look. Just the opposite I’m afraid. I have seen teams of teenage girls cross the hall and pass me in muffled whispers that I’m pretty sure have something to do with the handlebars. The more mature crowd however seem to love it. Maybe it’s associated with success in past. Some real catches of the olden days wore some serious handle bars, folks like Frederick William Vanderbilt, Kaiser Wilhelm II and King George V. I think when these ladies meet me, they can’t help but picture my manor with all its thick gilt frames stoic butlers. I’ll have to look into what it takes to attach “Kaiser” to my name. Maybe throw a “Von” in there for good measure.

Men seem to have an innate respect for a quality piece of facial topiary. Probably a left over king of the jungle type of thing. There are never laughs from men, just a subtle nod, squint of the eyes and look of animalistic trust. “Yeah, I’d run in your pack.” Those with the thin, patchy curse just look down, point at spots on their face and mumble something about how they could never grow anything but wish they could.

Dick DastardlyWhile it is fun to capitalize on the prehistoric power of the push broom it is not as easy as having a part in your hair. What used to be a fairly straight forward journey of food from plate to mouth is now a complex task wrought with fears and anxiety. “Did it get in the stash? Is it still there? How do I get it out?” Fears that betray my non-pack-leading status.

For now I will join the ranks of such as Friedrich Nietzsche, William Howard Taft, Rollie Fingers, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Salvador Dali and the Mario twins. If I can stick with it, I may even have to send in my application for The Handlebar Club. Distinguished company indeed.

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  1. EricS said,
    on January 13th, 2007 at 2:17 am

    indeed, the past of style seems worth a run doesn’t it ol’ chap?

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